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perfect English, Peaches!

Lessons 16 to 20

perfect English, Peaches! is a grammar course written specifically for the submissive crossdresser. The aim of this textbook for sissies is to give the student a greater understanding of the words he uses, thus helping him to avoid the mistakes that so often mar even the simplest pieces of writing. Employing exaggerated examples that are sure to appeal to any man with a weakness for women's things, the course not only encourages higher standards of language, but also emphasises respect for female authority throughout. The intentionally titillating scenarios do not detract from the text's purpose, however, with the misadventures of a submissive male secretary making the material more memorable.

perfect English, Peaches! features themes of lingerie discipline, male chastity and men as secretaries and maids. It should go without saying that, like everything else at brassièred, it is intended for adults only.

Lesson 16: What are you wearing?

All of the “w” words that we looked at in the previous lesson can also be used to ask questions, whereupon they serve as interrogative pronouns, interrogative adjectives or interrogative adverbs. Can you picture Peaches being interrogated by his boss? Whether it's his appearance or his performance that Ms Crusher takes issue with, there are plenty of ways she can make him sweat, regardless of whether she expects an answer or an apology:

If, unlike Peaches, you've been paying attention, you will realise that not all of these question words can start a relative clause - in particular, “what” should be eschewed in favour of “which” or “that”, unless you wish to sound especially ignorant. Nevertheless, many can take the place of another phrase, implying a question in the process. Consider how the following sentences leave it to the reader to replace each of the interrogatives with a possible answer:

We might know that the minutes are in the shredder, having seen one of the other secretaries helpfully tidy up the meeting room just after Peaches set everything out, but so far as the sentence is concerned, we are none the wiser. Not all questions uses interrogative words, however, as Ms Crusher demonstrates while challenging her disgraced secretary about his subsequent discipline:

If you compare these questions to those we considered previously, you'll see that they accept a much more limited range of answers. If the other secretary doesn't tell Peaches what she's done, he might think that the missing minutes could be anywhere, perhaps turning the entire office upside-down in search of them. With the above questions, however, only the most foolhardy of secretaries would dare to answer with anything other than “yes” or “no” - except, perhaps, a sheepish “I don't know, Ms Crusher” or “I'm very sorry, Ms Crusher”. Suppose, however, that the woman tugging her secretary's corset cords so breathtakingly tight wants to really stress the point, leaving no doubt about what she expects:

We can split each of her sharp remarks into two parts - a statement, and a question tag. In the above examples, the latter are negative, indicating that Peaches' angry boss expects him to agree, but they could as easily be positive - as the corseted secretary might illustrate as he desperately gasps “I won't have to wear this all week, will I?”. That's up to Ms Crusher to decide, but if Peaches wants her to have mercy, he'll need to use the right verb for the tag. That's either the first auxiliary, if there is one, or a form of “do”, unless the verb in the statement is “be”, where “be” should also be used for the tag. Either way, the tag should be appropriately conjugated and contracted. Study the above examples until you understand how this works.

Now compare the statement parts with the previous questions. With the exception of the additional auxiliaries, all the words are the same, albeit in a slightly different order. Let's illustrate that by considering what a visitor to the office might exclaim when they see Peaches' tightly cinched waist:

First an incredulous question, the woman hardly believing that any man would ever wear something so uncomfortable to work, then an astonished statement as the ashamed sissy submissively unbuttons his blouse to leave no doubt. Apart from the difference in tone, all that's changed is the arrangement of the first two words - noun followed by verb for the statement, but verb followed by noun for the question. This is known as inversion. In this example, the tense used is the present continuous, which has two verbs (an auxiliary and a main one), but only the first changes position. That remains the case when a tense has more than one auxiliary, as might happen when the woman visits again. Naturally, she's no sooner caught sight of Peaches than she's teasing him about his underwear:

Here, the present perfect continuous has three parts - two auxiliary verbs, “have” and “been”, plus the present participle “wearing” - but two of these don't move, remaining as firmly fixed as Peaches' stiffly boned foundations. Now let's suppose that Ms Crusher's visitor isn't content with just confirming that the sissy secretary is still tightly laced, but wants to explore how he feels about wearing something so imposing. Adopting a deliberately patronising tone, she might amuse herself by asking and answering a question as follows:

In the statement, “do” serves to deepen the sissy's disgrace at having to wear such a womanly foundation garment, with its presence adding a stress to the statement that's sure to make him squirm as his tormentress prods the stiffly boned fabric. Grammatically, however, it may be omitted, with Peaches unlikely to feel more of a man should the woman simply tell him “You like your corset!”. Indeed, with a change of inflection, she could turn the latter statement into a question, albeit one that takes his answer for granted. “You like your corset?”, the visitor might laugh, mocking the tightly laced sissy with her informality.

Inversion isn't limited to questions, with various other expressions also putting one of the verbs before the subject. Consider how Ms Crusher uses inversion to devastating effect as she rips up her secretary's work:

Because she's the boss, Ms Crusher needn't worry about how she questions her secretary - not only does her position allow her to interrupt Peaches' work whenever she likes, but she can also challenge him in the most direct terms, perhaps simply to have him tell her something she already knows. That's not a luxury available to her assistant, however, who must be much more deferential on the occasions when he requires a decision from his superior. If Peaches doesn't want to be accused of disrespect, he should precede his question with another, ideally one using appropriately submissive modal verbs. Doing so creates what is known as an indirect question - a question that is acted upon by a verb:

Of course, Peaches would be wise to wait until he had his boss's attention before apologising for disturbing her, even if that means standing in front of her desk until there is a suitable opportunity to say “I'm very sorry to bother you, Ms Crusher”. Taking such formalities as given, compare the previous examples to their direct equivalents, considering not only how the choice of words would affect Ms Crusher's mood, but also the grammatical differences - in particular, how indirect questions uses inversion only in their first part:

Questions as curt as those are sure to get a sissy into trouble, however often his boss might bark similar demands in his direction! Fortunately, Peaches knows better than to take such a tone with his superior, being able to indicate that he needs her input without asking a question at all - another way of forming an indirect question. As you study the following statements, search for the question word and the verb acting on it, then look for the inversion:

Did you note how Peaches accepts that he will be wearing a bra, yet doesn't make any assumptions about being allowed a toilet break? Using “when” instead of “whether” in the latter case would be presumptuous! It's not just grammar that a submissive sissy must consider if he's to earn such a privilege, with his choice of question being just as important if he hopes for a particular answer. Wasting his boss's time with unnecessary words won't get him far:

Would Peaches even be able to finish such a sentence before the woman he works for cuts him off with a curt “No”? A single word from Ms Crusher is all that's necessary to crush his hopes, although he shouldn't be asking, anyway!

Exercises

1. Read the following account of a submissive housemaid husband. Copy out each sentence, underlining the interrogative pronouns, adjectives and adverbs. Indicate the grammatical role of these words in brackets after each one.

   The man fears that people would laugh if they could see what he does for his wife.

   Every evening, she tells him which chores she expects him to do.

   After he has completed them, she checks if everything is how it should be.

   “I don't know why your panties are always so wet!”, she teases.

   He can't stop thinking about how he has to wear women's underwear.

   His wife makes it impossible for him to forget who leads their relationship.

   Even when he is washing the lingerie, he is conscious of whose it is.

   “You will tell me when you have finished the laundry”, his wife instructs.

   He doesn't know whom she might invite around while he is doing the housework.

   Anyone seeing what he wears will realise that he serves as his wife's maid.

2. For each of the previous sentences, construct a direct question from the indirect question, using inversion as necessary. Then, construct a direct question from the main clause, including the indirect question, but ignoring any dependent clauses or adjectival phrases. Finally, copy out the main clause, adding an appropriate sentence tag at the end, and answering it succinctly. For example, if the sentence were “Unless they want to be punished, sissy maids wear what they are told”, you would write “What are they told?”, “Do sissy maids wear what they are told?” and “Sissy maids wear what they are told, don't they? Yes, they do!”.

Exercises for extra credit

1. In your own words, explain the following terms:

   interrogative pronoun

   interrogative adjective

   interrogative adverb

   question tag

   inversion

   indirect question

   direct question

2. Answer all of the questions you have written in the previous exercises.

3. Write a dialogue between a male maid and his mistress, where the lady of the house asks her servant questions about his duties and how he dresses, and the sissy answers submissively. Use questions tags to emphasise expectations.

Lesson 17: Be quiet!

With the exception of the questions we considered in the previous lesson, all of the sentences we've looked at so far have had something in common - they've been statements of fact, at least as far as the speaker would have us believe. Even when Peaches is desperately trying to persuade Ms Crusher that he didn't have his hand in his panties when she unexpectedly walked in on him, the grammatical structure is the same. “I was just adjusting my skirt, Ms Crusher!” and “I really don't need to wear a chastity belt, Ms Crusher!” have a subject and an action just like “Your skirt is on the floor, Peaches!” and “I will make sure that you can never disgrace yourself like that again!”, even though the former pair are falsehoods and the latter absolutely true.

Having been caught red-handed, Peaches would be well-advised not to ask unnecessary questions if he doesn't want to get himself into even hotter water, but let's suppose he can't help opening his mouth as he looks down at the steel that his superior is securing around his crotch. “When will you unlock me? Why do I have to wear this?”, he might ask desperately, only to be ignored by a woman who has questions of her own. “How does that feel?” and “Did you think I wouldn't catch you?” share similarities, even though Ms Crusher only wants to hear an answer to one of them. Regardless of whether or not they're rhetorical, questions are quintessentially different to statements as far as their grammar is concerned - one needs only look at the order of the words to see that.

The mood of a verb demonstrates how the speaker intends it to be taken. Statements of fact, as inaccurate as Peaches' excuses may be, use what is called the indicative mood, whereas questions are said to be in the interrogative. Being at the beck and call of a very bossy woman, a male secretary frequently finds himself the subject of a third mood - the imperative, which gives commands. Let's look at how Ms Crusher might use this mood as she tells her submissive assistant what she wants him to do:

In each case, the subject of the sentence is omitted, although no-one hearing Ms Crusher scold her secretary could be in any doubt about who must act on such sharp instructions. A sentence in the imperative could be as short as a single word (“Kneel!”) or could contain further clauses, but its unspoken subject is usually the second person. Moreover, the verb is always in the present tense, using the bare infinitive, even when the command refers to something that must be done in the future. Consider how that applies in the following examples:

In the last example, it is possible to consider “let” as being the verb, with “let's” being a contraction of “let us”. Ms Crusher could alternatively start her suggestion with “permit me and the sales assistant to”, but Peaches will find himself doing what she wants regardless. However, “let's” (or the more formal “let us”) is also the first-person plural form of the imperative:

Perhaps a group of girls are wondering how to amuse themselves, and one suggests waiting outside the specialist outfitters in the hope of mocking the men scurrying out with bags of especially big bras. No-one's asking those men for their permission, because it wouldn't be anywhere near as much fun if they enjoyed the humiliating catcalls - indeed, a particular cruel member of the group might show her contempt by employing the imperative in the third-person:

Returning to the office, it's just as important for Peaches to obey his superior's imperatives when they're in the negative. Regardless of whether she's scolding him for stepping out of line, or simply telling him what she doesn't want to see, Ms Crusher uses “do” as an auxiliary, followed by “not”, which she might contract to “don't”, assuming she's using the second person:

The auxiliary “do” can also be used for emphasis in a positive imperative:

To add even more emphasis, Ms Crusher could also include a subject pronoun:

Note how the imperative mood is distinct from both the indicative and the interrogative, even when it uses the same words. A story being recounted in the second-person simple present might see you stay standing before you go on to do something else for your superior, but Ms Crusher's tone leaves Peaches in no doubt that he is being given a command. Similarly, a woman might ask her husband to confirm that her allure matches that of an attractive celebrity by asking him “don't you look at me like that?”, but that doesn't give the sissy grounds to meet his superior's gaze when she's scolding him - the imperative “don't you look at me like that!” conveys a very different meaning.

Peaches is in no positive to give commands to anyone, and so we wouldn't expect him to use the imperative when speaking, except perhaps under his breath as he desperately beseeches recalcitrant office equipment to behave itself. Instead, he might soften a request by putting it in the interrogative, or even the indicative. Compare the following to the curt “sign this!” that his superior would use should she require his signature on some official paperwork:

However, the imperative mood would be appropriate were Peaches adding to his long to-do list, or writing himself a reminder of the office rules. We might imagine his desk littered with little notes, all assuming that he's the subject of their instructions. There's no need for deference with these:

So many things for a secretary to juggle, even before his boss sets him more work! If you've considered the above examples sufficiently carefully, you'll have noticed how it's possible to combine clauses in different moods - a fact that Ms Crusher could stress by wickedly adding “or I'll spank you!”, if not “or would you rather I spanked you?” to the end of each. Peaches should be grateful to his superior for going to such lengths to teach him grammar, but she's not the only one who might have fun with the imperative. How humiliating it would be for the sissy to return from a rarely permitted toilet break, only to find that the other secretaries have added a few notes of her own - not only using his pink pen, but emulating his girly handwriting in order to remind him to “always wear clean panties to work!” and “don't forget to fill your bra!”.

Exercises

1. Read the following account of a submissive man preparing for a humiliating medical examination. Split each sentence into clauses, writing each on a separate line, and underlining the verb and any associated auxiliaries. At the end of each clause, state in brackets the mood that the clause uses.

   “My boss says that I am due for a physical”, Peaches tells the receptionist.

   “Is that so?”, the woman behind the desk asks, surveying him with scorn.

   “The doctor is running late. Wait here until you are called”, she instructs.

   “Come with me, please, Miss Sweetcheeks”, a nurse calls, thirty minutes later.

   “Have you had a physical examination before?”, she asks, by way of small talk.

   Peaches sheepishly shakes his head. “It is my first time”, he admits weakly.

   “Do not be scared!”, the nurse tells him. “The probe is not unbearably painful!”

   “Is that really necessary?”, Peaches asks, looking at the equipment in alarm.

   “Yes, it is!”, the nurse insists sternly. “Please take off all your clothes”.

   “I am wearing a chastity belt!”, Peaches stammers. “Is that not a problem?”

2. Go through your answers to the previous exercise, and copy out every clause that uses the interrogative mood. Then, on a separate line, rewrite the clause to use the indicative.

3. Using your answers to the first exercise again, copy out every clause that uses the imperative mood. Then, on separate lines, rewrite the clause to use the interrogative, then the indicative mood, putting yourself in the place of Peaches by using first-person and second-person pronouns where necessary.

Exercises for extra credit

1. In your own words, explain the following terms:

   mood

   indicative mood

   interrogative mood

   imperative mood

2. Pick twenty verbs from your list of verbs that relate to sissies, and write three sentences for each of them, using the moods discussed in this lesson.

3. Write a short story about a submissive man's medical examination, employing the interrogative mood when he is asked embarrassing questions, the imperative mood when he is given humiliating commands, and the indicative mood to describe how he suffers disgraceful indignities at the hands of a female doctor.

Lesson 18: If he were the boss

Suppose a group of women are considering employing a submissive man as their communal secretary, and have sat down to discuss the details. Each has brought their own requirements to the table, some having long lists of responsibilities they want to include in the job description, others more concerned about the company's contractual obligations. A temp taking notes of such a meeting would observe all the moods we looked at in the previous lesson - statements in the indicative (“I need a capable typist”), questions in the interrogative (“What's the going rate for a male secretary?”), and even instructions in the imperative (“Show me that advert again”). However, one might also hear the following:

That's a perfectly reasonable statement, given that the man in question will be working as a secretary, but when broken down into its constituent clauses, a temp with an ear for grammar might wonder whether something weren't amiss. While a professional woman could perfectly well say “I must insist”, perhaps looking over the top of her glasses as she waits for a subordinate to do as he is told, no-one with any knowledge of the English language would ever omit an “s” when conjugating “wear” in “he wears a skirt and blouse”. Indeed, no-one would stop to consider the grammatical correctness were a visitor to say this instead:

What is the difference between these two sentences? In the second, the visitor is using the indicative mood to describe something that she, and indeed, anyone else who happens to glance in the sissy's direction, can see. His fitted blouse and pencil skirt are matters of fact, having been donned by the emasculated man many hours prior. Compare that to the first sentence, where the businesswoman is speaking about what she wants her secretary to wear in the future. The sissy hasn't even applied for the position, let alone proved himself at interview, because the group has yet to advertise for an assistant. Despite the woman's vehement tone, her second clause is an aspiration, not an assertion. That calls for a different mood - not because a man will, in the fullness of time, find himself wearing women's clothes to work, but rather because she wants that.

The subjunctive is used to describe hypothetical or unreal situations - in the case of the businesswoman, to express a desire or demand. A sissy secretary might use it when wishing that he weren't locked in a chastity belt, with the mood emphasising the difference between his daydreams of what he would do if he had the key, and the reality of remaining frustrated even after he has shed his skirt. Unlike the woman who will surely get what she wants in the end, the sissy's hopes will never be fulfilled - indeed, by adopting the subjunctive, he acknowledges that he will stay denied until his boss says otherwise. Consider what Peaches might sigh to himself as he goes home:

Perhaps Ms Crusher does just that, making her secretary listen as she slips her hand under her desk! Of course, Peaches will never find himself in any position of authority, having no hope of promotion now that he wears a skirt and blouse. Nor is he the boss at the moment of speaking, something that the metal between his legs reminds him of in no uncertain terms! Because of the hypothetical nature of the situation, we can't consider the subjunctive in terms of the usual tenses - past, present and future make no difference to Peaches' chances of beating his chastity belt. Instead, we must look to the form of the verb for help. Let's start by considering some examples of the present subjunctive:

In each case, only one clause uses the subjunctive, with the verb in that clause using a bare infinitive instead of being conjugated - “see” instead of “sees”, “arrive” instead of “arrives”, and so on. That means, for all verbs other than “be”, the present subjunctive only differs from the indicative in the third-person singular, as can be seen if we consider a variety of corsets:

How wonderful for the woman in charge to be able to show off an entire office of tightly laced male temps, each having to stand and allow their foundations to be scrutinised! Although the subjunctive is used in all of those sentences, it only makes a difference in one of them, sparing the rest of the sissies from having to worry about more than breathing until the boss turns her back. If the visitor were from Human Resources, however, all would need to take more care:

The present subjunctive is used with suggestions of various strengths, ranging from casual preferences (“I prefer that his panties be pink”) to necessities (“it is essential that a sissy secretary wear pink panties”). Such sentences can be rephrased to avoid the subjunctive, most simply by using the indicative instead, albeit often at the cost of subtly affecting their meaning. Whereas Peaches would feel no less embarrassed if Ms Crusher were to announce to the board that she prefers that his panties are pink, the other women wouldn't need him to drop his skirt to know something about what colour underwear he wears. To capture the same nuances as the subjunctive, his boss might instead say that she believes that his panties should be pink - as befits a sissy secretary!

Whereas the present subjunctive expresses a hope that a hitherto hypothetical outcome may happen, the confusingly named past subjunctive acknowledges its impossibility - not only in the past, but in the present and future too. Picture Peaches letting out a forlorn sigh as he considers how his situation could be different, perhaps regretting the particular predicament that he finds himself in, or else longing for a pleasure that his boss refuses to permit. He might also use this form of the subjunctive to express his doubt or disbelief about what he's saying, even if someone hearing him might happen to know better:

As before, the subjunctive clauses are conjugated differently, with “were” (or its negation) taking the place of “was”. For verbs other than “be”, the past subjunctive is the same as the simple past, sparing Peaches from having to worry about what he's saying as he rummages through his boss's drawers:

Even with “be”, Peaches need only concern himself with the first and third persons singular, with the other forms already using “were” in the indicative:

It would be unlikely that anyone would have trouble understanding Peaches were he to use “was” in place of “were” - indeed, in informal speech, the past subjunctive is often forsaken in favour of the indicative. As much as a strict boss might take issue with her secretary cutting corners like this, there are occasions where “was” is the correct choice. Consider the following statement:

Perhaps Peaches was so engrossed in his typing that he didn't notice whether Ms Crusher had slipped back into her office or not - she might have done, but then again, she might not. If he were to use the subjunctive, he would unduly suggest that his superior hadn't returned, whereas the truth of the matter is that he doesn't know - unlike when he was surreptitiously searching her desk, when the absence of a sharp voice wanting to know exactly what he thought he was doing made his boss's hypothetical presence an impossibility. Needless to say, the sissy's subterfuge will catch up with him, leaving him having to choose his words carefully when Ms Crusher wants to know who has disturbed her things:

Peaches can expect a punishment either way, but it will be worse if he uses the subjunctive, because doing so would tell his boss that he believes he isn't responsible for her papers being out of place. For once, it is better for him to be bold, eschewing conditionals in favour of an unequivocal apology: “I am responsible, but I am very sorry, because I know I shouldn't have done that!”.

Exercises

1. Read the following account of a man who does not understand what it means to be his wife's maid. Copy out each sentence, underlining any verbs used in the subjunctive mood. State in brackets afterwards whether the past or the present subjunctive is used.

   “If I were your maid, you wouldn't need to do the laundry”, he pleaded.

   “I would never have any clean clothes if I left it to you!”, his wife laughed.

   The man wished his wife were more sympathetic to his fantasy of serving her.

   “I only ask that you think about letting me wear a uniform!”, he begged.

   She suggested that her husband start by cleaning the toilet for her.

   “It is essential that the bowl be scrubbed to a shine”, she instructed.

   He was eager that she see how much he wanted to be a maid, but less eager to scrub.

   “If only she let me dress up, I would work twice as hard!”, he sighed.

   “I propose that I invite my friends to inspect your efforts”, his wife declared.

   The women recommended that he remain in the bathroom until the toilet was clean.

2. Copy out each of the previous sentences again, replacing any verbs used in the subjunctive mood with their indicative form. Use the simple present tense when replacing present subjunctives, and the simple past tense when replacing past subjunctives. Write the subjunctive form of each replaced verb in brackets afterwards, even if it is the same as the indicative form.

Exercises for extra credit

1. In your own words, explain the following terms:

   subjunctive mood

   present subjunctive

   past subjunctive

2. Using your list of nouns and verbs that relate to sissies, construct sentence that employ either the past or the present subjunctive. Then rewrite your sentence to avoid using the subjunctive, while maintaining the meaning.

3. Write an essay about impossible fantasies and their consequences.

Lesson 19: The threat of demotion

When Peaches answers the phone, he not only does so on behalf of his boss, but also represents the company. No matter how vexatious the caller, he must always stay professional, even if he's secretly desperate to put the handset down. That doesn't just mean keeping his cool when he's asked what colour panties he's wearing, but also ensuring that he never says anything wrong. The last thing he wants is for an important woman to complain about his grammar, but even when he's asking a favour from one of the other secretaries, there are some liberties he shouldn't take with his language, for fear that Ms Crusher might overhear.

As we've seen in previous lessons, it's possible to contract some words when speaking informally, if not omit them completely. Rather than saying “He is the sissy that is working for Ms Crusher”, the office girls might gleefully share the news of gaining a male underling by shortening the “he is” to “he's” and then losing the “that is” - “He's the sissy working for Ms Crusher”. The first “is” can be merged with the pronoun that precedes it, whereas the second is lost when the relative clause is converted into a participle phrase. Do the other secretaries need to assert that Peaches is a sissy? It might amuse them to express their scorn for the emasculated man by stressing the word in his earshot, but they could shorten the sentence still further without issue - “He's working for Ms Crusher”. Once again, the contraction “he's” stands in for “he is”, but now the “is” is the auxiliary part of the present continuous “is working”, serving a different grammatical role.

A visiting businesswoman might offer a knowing “Ah!” as she considers how Ms Crusher runs her office, perhaps recalling the advert which specified that only submissive males should apply for the secretarial position. Such a woman would be less amused, however, were she to be told that “He working for Ms Crusher”, with the omission of a further word depriving the sentence of a verb. Without an accompanying auxiliary, the present participle “working” is expected to perform a function that it is grammatically ill-equipped for - rather like Peaches trying to step into his boss's shoes, as preposterous as that idea is when he's strapped into his stilettos! Similarly, it would be wrong for him to say “I employed by Ms Crusher”, even though the woman he works for could rightly tell her visitor “I employed him because I wanted a submissive sissy for a secretary”, because “employ” is strictly a transitive verb. Because it cannot be intransitive, “employed” must be a past participle when Peaches uses it, as opposed to the simple past with which his superior describes what drove her to hire him. The sissy is trying to speak in the passive voice, as befits a man who cannot assert himself too strongly, but even he needs to use an auxiliary. “I was employed by Ms Crusher because she wanted a submissive sissy for a secretary” - a shameful admission for a man, but more respectable for being grammatically correct!

An extra word can sometimes be as erroneous as a missing one. Peaches would be ill-advised to ask Ms Crusher for “less harder work”, all the more so if he rephrased his ridiculous request as “more easier work”, not least because he is doubling the comparative. Similarly, as we have seen before, he needs to take care not to use too many negatives, making sure that two don't inadvertently cancel each other out. “I don't need no more work!” is unlikely to earn him any leniency from the other secretary dropping a big stack of files on his desk - quite apart from knowing better than to use double negatives, a sissy should welcome every opportunity to take a woman's work off her hands!

In order to avoid any possibility of a punishment, Peaches also needs to appreciate the grammatical differences between words of similar meaning, as becomes apparent should we consider two ways that he might complain about his plight to the other secretaries. “She told to me that she was going to make me to work in just my bra and panties!” will see him suffer even more laughter than “She said to me that she was going to require me to work in just my bra and panties!”. “Tell” is ditransitive, and so doesn't take a prepositional phrase, whereas “said” is transitive, and thus does. “Require” needs a full infinitive, but “make” needs a bare one - a difference that Peaches needs to understand if he isn't to give his boss even more reasons to take away his clothes! At least no-one ringing will know that he's answering the phone in only his lingerie, unless Ms Crusher makes him tell them!

Although many adjectives have similarly sounding adverbs, they cannot be used in their place - adjectives can only modify nouns. Someone hearing the sissy plead that he can “only type slow” might overlook his choice of words, too caught up in the long false nails with which he seeks to excuse his inadequate efforts. Equally, Peaches is hardly in a position to argue with the photocopier repairman when the latter leeringly remarks “That's a real cute blouse you're wearing”, especially if the troublesome machine has broken down just before an important meeting. In the sort of small talk that a secretary must endure while waiting for the man to make things work, such flat adverbs are acceptable, but even then, there are limitations. Peaches might muse on why his blouse can be “real cute” but the man can't “real work”, for example, or else wonder why he “sure loves satin” even though the shiny fabric couldn't be “sure cute”. Of course, none of these phrases would be suitable for the report that the sissy is supposed to be copying, with professional writing requiring professional words!

Adjectives and adverbs can be more difficult to use correctly when they are irregular. Regardless of the length of his nails, a sissy secretary should be a quick typist - that is, he should be able to type quickly. When expressing her exasperation with her assistant's pitiful performance, however, Ms Crusher might tell Peaches that if he doesn't learn fast, she'll be sending him on a special training course that promises to make a fast typist out of any man - something that she can do because “fast” can serve as both an adjective and an adverb. Peaches will rightly fear not typing right when his boss goes on to explain exactly how the instructors enforce correctness, but he would be wrongly employing an adjective - that is, employing it wrong - were he to promise his superior that he will “type quick” henceforth! In this particular case, the sissy could avoid any problems by using the comparative “quicker”, but it would be better for him to understand the difference. Thank goodness that the training course will allow him plenty of opportunities to practise!

If Peaches wants to be a good secretary, then learning to type well is only one of the many skills that he must master. “Good” is an adjective, and so cannot be used with a verb, unless that verb is a copular. When Peaches stumbles in his stilettos, Ms Crusher might contemptuously remark to her visitors that “he isn't very good”, but the sissy mustn't protest that he “can't walk good in high heels”. If he must say anything, he should use the adverb “well”, but it would be better for him to shorten his stride before his boss makes him wear a hobble skirt too! Seeing his pained expression as he totters the short distance from his desk to the filing cabinet, a visitor seeing Peaches might ask if he is well. Even if he weren't so enfeebled by his outfit, the sissy couldn't challenge their grammar - “well” may be used as an adjective when referring to someone's health, albeit sharing the same comparative and superlative forms as “good”. “I would be better if I didn't have to wear high heels and a hobble skirt!”, Peaches might sigh, knowing that there is no such word as “weller”, but it is best that he keeps such thoughts to himself!

Pronouns are used so frequently in conversation that it's a wonder that people have any trouble choosing the correct ones, but confusing these little words is sadly an all too common failing. Peaches makes several faux pas when he tells one of the other secretaries that “Ms Crusher wants you and I to accompany her visitor. She and him are going to discuss transferring either yourself or myself to his department”, not least that he's speaking far too informally! Quite apart from forgetting how his female colleague ranks above him, however, his pronouns are all over the place - perhaps understandable under the circumstances, but by no means excusable! Having made it this far in the course, you should have no trouble distinguishing between nominative, objective and reflexive, and thus be able to see exactly where Peaches goes wrong. Does he think that speaking sloppily will affect his chances of being transferred? At least he has yet to get the agreement of his verbs in a muddle, although that's a mistake that often accompanies poor use of pronouns. “I didn't understand what you and him was talking about!”, Peaches might protest as he belatedly realises the nature of his proposed new duties. “Please, Ms Crusher, any one of the others are better at that! Let me keep working for yourself!”.

Correcting only his grammar, and leaving his disgraceful attitude to speak for itself, what the sissy should have said is as follows:

All these mistakes have one thing in common - they sound absolutely ridiculous to anyone with any knowledge of grammar, reflecting poorly on the speaker. It would be better for Peaches to keep his mouth closed, and let people come to their own conclusions about his capabilities, than to confirm their suspicions by allowing such glaring howlers to be heard. If he wants to avoid being demoted to an even more demeaning position, he should consider the purpose of every word in a sentence, making such that each is grammatically correct.

Exercises

1. Read the following transcription of a male secretary pleading with the disciplinary committee. Copy out each sentence, underlining the mistakes that undermine Peaches' defence. Then rewrite the sentence, correcting his errors.

   I promise yourself I'd work more faster if I didn't have to wear no corset!

   Like I been telling you, I type real quick! I've never tried more harder!

   The other secretaries, especially the temp, likes to make trouble for myself!

   Her and the others sure hating me because I don't look real pretty!

   I never do nothing wrong, it's they bullying which make me working slow!

   Because she always shouting at me, I shouting back, but much less loud!

   I know she and me has to work together, and that myself is just a sissy.

   Isn't there no way you could separate her and I? I'd sure feel thankfully!

   No, I don't want no unpaid demotion! Yes, of course, you and her knows best!

   But that's the most smallest room in the basement! Don't tell me work there!

2. For each of the mistakes you have underlined in the previous exercise, write both the incorrect and correct versions, including sufficient surrounding context. Address only one mistake at a time, ensuring the rest of the sentence is correct. Provide a brief explanation of the grammatical error.

Exercises for extra credit

1. In your own words, summarise the points made in this lesson.

2. Construct sentences that use multiple pronouns as either their subject or object, or following a participle. Use reflexive pronouns where appropriate.

3. Keeping all the errors, extend the previous transcription to include what was said to Peaches, as well as how the meeting commenced and concluded. Then repeat the exercise, but using your corrected transcript instead. Describe how the sissy's fate is different when he speaks professionally to the committee.

Lesson 20: Bigger than hers

It's possible to use all the right words, and yet still say the wrong thing - something that Peaches knows to his cost, frequently finding himself in trouble after Ms Crusher has asked him a question. Perhaps she's summoned him to her office, demanding that he temporarily abandon his typing so that he can tell her visitors about how the company's dress code changes at the end of the week. As the seated businesswomen turn their attention to his bulging bust, Peaches knows that he needs to speak about his bra, but what exactly should he say?

It all depends on what Ms Crusher has previously decided, with the position of a single word making a significant difference to the meaning of the sentence. If Peaches puts the “only” in the wrong place, he might end up giving his boss ideas, making the weekend seem even further away when she puts his proposal into practice! How awful it would be for a slip of the tongue to condemn him to exposing his provocatively pointy cups, even as his female colleagues give their breasts a much-needed break! While Peaches might intend to say more so as to avoid being misunderstood, he can't count on being allowed another sentence, needing to speak carefully when Ms Crusher could cut him off at any moment.

In the above examples, “only” affects the part of the sentence that follows, something that Peaches might emphasise by stressing the subsequent phrase - assuming that he was speaking, rather than typing the words. Alternatively, he could replace “only” with “just” while still conveying the same meaning, no matter which of the rules he must follow. That's only possible because “only” is being used as an adverb, as opposed to when it serves as an adjective:

The problems of being so busty! There's no choice of styles for a man with the biggest breasts in the office, nor can Peaches be choosy about colour, having to accept a conspicuous black because that's all that the store has to offer. Again, note how the position of “only” affects the sentence, and how the meaning would change were it moved. Now let's consider its use as a conjunction:

Here, it need not be just Peaches who knows his boss's whereabouts - perhaps all the other secretaries do too, taking advantage of her absence to have some fun at the sissy's expense. No matter how much he might wish for his superior to tell the girls in the office to get back to work, he'll have to suffer them ganging up on him, unable to defend himself even as their groping hands tug at his blouse and skirt. Which of the following would be the most humiliating?

In the first scenario, Peaches manages to save his modesty by locking himself in the stationery cupboard, with the sissy not daring to come out until he hears Ms Crusher return. In the second, he might also find himself locked in the stationery cupboard when his boss comes back, albeit with his clothes having long since been tossed out of the window. Might his superior insist on him typing up an incident report, not with a view to punishing any of the other secretaries, but simply to be pinned on the noticeboard for their amusement? When describing what did or didn't happen, Peaches needs to get his words exactly right, “almost” not being good enough!

Similar problems can occur with modifiers, which are words or phrases that affect other parts of a sentence. Putting these in the wrong place can lead to ambiguity or misinterpretation, as can be seen when Peaches goes shopping:

What exactly is happening in the above scene? It's easy to appreciate the broad picture of a man suffering the consequences of having purchased shapewear in the wrong size, but each of the sentences has a misplaced modifier that adversely affects its meaning. While you might assume that it is Peaches who is entering the lingerie shop, the nervous sissy with the bulging bag is never actually mentioned in the first sentence - indeed, the subject being modified by the adverbial phrase is the display of panties. A moving display would certainly demand attention, no matter how much Peaches might feel in the spotlight as he waits for the shop assistant to notice him. It is he who must wait, not his anxiety, although the latter won't help his pounding heart as the other shoppers wonder what business he has in such an unmanly establishment.

Can a woman be pink and lacy? Can a counter have trembling legs? These examples are deliberately ludicrous, but that's what is literally being suggested, with a more sensible interpretation requiring the reader to overlook the position of the modifiers. In the final sentence, there's no doubt that Peaches is going to suffer for making a mistake with his measurements, but when did Ms Crusher inform him of her plans to punish him? It only needs a single word to dispel the ambiguity, albeit with its position not affecting how sore the sissy will be!

Let's take a moment to rewrite the rest of the sentences:

That's better! Now the only problem is Peaches' panty girdles, but so long as he hasn't sullied them, the shop assistant should be able to swap them for a more suitable size - a size too small, as Ms Crusher specified, to make sure that everything stays where it should beneath his skirt. The sissy secretary isn't out of the woods as far as grammatical pitfalls are concerned, however, having to be careful how he speaks about his replacement shapewear if he's not to be scolded by the woman he works for. Suppose that he dares complain about the disagreeable tightness by saying:

Having followed Peaches' misfortunes in the lingerie shop, we can understand what he is trying to say, but without any context, a visitor to the office might have more difficulty making sense of the sissy's pathetic pleading thanks to how he uses an incomplete comparison. “Smaller than what?”, they might naturally ask, requiring Peaches to make the unspoken half of the comparison explicit, if not go on to explain how Ms Crusher wants him tightly girdled:

Simply providing two things to compare isn't enough to keep Peaches out of trouble, however - the two things must be meaningfully comparable, something which trips him up when the conversation turns to what else he has to wear:

While someone listening to such a shameful statement might not notice the sissy's unbalanced comparison, Peaches needs to be much more careful when typing it - especially if Ms Crusher has told him to do so a thousand times! Here, a missing apostrophe means that he isn't comparing his bras to those that the office girls tease him with beneath their blouses, but rather to the women themselves - a preposterous suggestion, even considering the size of the mammoth cups that make him look so unmanly. Let's consider a more obvious mismatch to make that clear:

Peaches might have to work in a particularly cramped space, and his boss might seem very formidable when she towers over him, but unless Ms Crusher makes him crouch at the tiniest of tables, he shouldn't compare his desk to her - rather, he should compare it to hers, acknowledging that a male secretary will never look over a sea of polished wood from the comfort of an executive chair:

Returning to the subject of the sissy's bras, it would be safer for him to say:

Peaches cannot, however, drop the “other” to leave “any of the secretaries”, because he is one of that group himself, no matter how the girls look down at the only man in the office. It would make just as little sense for him to say that his bras were bigger than his bras, with such a nonsensical statement risking his boss sending him back to the lingerie shop to buy even larger ones!

When a pronoun forms part of the comparison, matters become more complicated. Suppose Ms Crusher notices how her secretary is looking out of the window, and follows his gaze to where a particularly well-endowed woman is walking by. Is he feeling sympathy for how her heavy breasts wobble with every step, or perhaps wondering where such a full-bosomed beauty buys her bras? Either way, Ms Crusher might cruelly shatter Peaches' daydreams by suddenly declaring:

If the sissy is to avoid a punishment, he must accept his boss's assertion, showing his submission by repeating it word for word - except for the final pronoun, where to use “you” would be unthinkable! What should Peaches say?

In the first sentence, the second “as” is acting as a preposition, making it appropriate for it to be followed by an object pronoun. In the second sentence, however, the “as” serves as a conjunction, albeit one followed by a shortened clause, such that a subject pronoun may be used. If Peaches chooses to use this more formal option, it would be better for him to add a word, making it clear how he's comparing subject and verb (“she is”) to subject and verb (“I am”):

He might almost be boasting, save for how much his back and shoulders ache from having to bear the weight of the huge false breasts that his boss makes him wear to work. At least Peaches can look forward to taking them off at the end of the day, unless Ms Crusher tells him to continue his empathy training at home!

Exercises

1. Read the following account of a male secretary having problems preparing for an important meeting. Copy out each sentence, underlining any words that are misplaced, or that lead to unlikely interpretations. Then rewrite the sentence, underlining the changes necessary to correct it. Where the meaning of a sentence is ambiguous, choose the option most likely to occur in an office.

   Peaches handed out minutes to the businesswomen covered with smudges.

   The old photocopier was not only slower, but also far less reliable.

   The repairman had dismissed the problem the sissy had reported as being fine.

   He had said while the man was fixing the machine it wouldn't copy properly.

   After running back, Peaches had arrived at the meeting room soaked with sweat.

   Despite checking just the nylon, the sissy's stockings had snagged.

   Ms Crusher liked stockings to be worn by submissive men that were very pricey.

   The hosiery that Peaches was wearing was much sheerer than any of the women.

   “I bet you are wearing sturdier undies than anyone in the room!”, one laughed.

   The women agreed during the meeting he would be subject to regular inspection.

2. Copy out each of the sentences below. On separate lines after each one, write the sentence again, adding the word “only” in each of the possible positions. Then, in your own words in brackets afterwards, state what the sentence means.

   The lingerie shop sells special bras for submissive men.

   The mistress spanks the male maid when he misbehaves.

   Sissies are required to wear chastity belts in the office.

   A painful paddling is appropriate as a punishment.

   Peaches forgot his panties that morning.

Exercises for extra credit

1. In your own words, explain the following terms:

   misplaced modifier

   incomplete comparison

   unbalanced comparison

2. Considering the points discussed in this lesson, construct sentences that are deliberately ambiguous, then cross them out and write them more clearly.

3. Write a story about a sissy who makes a shameful mistake when speaking, and suffers the consequences of being misunderstood by someone else.