buy the book!

en français, Fifi!

leçons 43 à 49 - lessons 43 to 49

en français, Fifi! is a course in basic French for the submissive crossdresser. It is intended to give the student an understanding of the language sufficient to permit him to perform the functions of a maid or secretary without any need to resort to English. Putting a solid emphasis on grammar, this textbook for sissies teaches all the vocabulary that a feminized servant or subordinate should know, using exaggerated examples that will prove as memorable as they are provocative. The would-be speaker will find himself immersed in a world where men wear bras and chastity belts as they seek to please their female superiors with selfless submission, forever fearing shameful punishment.

en français, Fifi! features themes of lingerie discipline, male chastity and men as maids. It should go without saying that, like everything else at brassièred, it is intended for adults only.

leçon 43: qui doit obéir à sa maîtresse ? - who must obey his mistress?

Are you wearing what you're expected to? Have you completed all your chores? Will your mistress be rewarding you? They're all yes or no questions of the kind you've been able to answer from the beginning of this book, albeit with the last of them requiring the other two to be answered in the affirmative first - Oui, Madame ! Oui, Madame ! S'il vous plaît, Madame ! Often, however, more detail is required - how many guests will be coming for dinner, when are they due to arrive, and will they want anything more than to see you dressed for duty as you answer the door? As entertaining as it might be for your mistress to make you play twenty questions in order to find out what she wants, you mustn't waste any more of her time than is absolutely necessary when asking something yourself. Fortunately, French has a complete set of interrogative (“question”) words with which to enquire about particular details, allowing you to find out who, what, when, where and why - assuming she deigns to answer!

With certain caveats we'll consider shortly, these can simply replace the words they're seeking answers for, as can be seen in the following conversation:

This can often sound clumsy, however. For greater formality, it's better to use an interrogative word in front of an inversion, or else with est-ce que:

Adding a question word doesn't affect how verbs are made negative, however:

There can be no question that Fifi will soon regret letting his mistress down! If only he'd had the good sense to remain properly dressed, or at least asked when she might be coming home, so as not to be unexpectedly caught out!

When using combien to ask “how much” or “how many”, an extra de is required if it is followed by a noun, but not if it is followed by a verb. Consider the following ways in which mistress and maid might use this word:

que, qui ou quelle ? - what, who or which?

In English, many question words start with a “w”, but in French, there's a plethora of possibilities that begin with the letter “q”. Choosing between que, quoi, qui, quel, quelle, quels and quelles can be confusing until you realise that the first three are pronouns, which take the place of other words, whereas the last four are forms of an adjective, and so modify existing nouns. If you think of quel, quelle, quels and quelles as being similar to noir, noire, noirs and noires, you're on the right lines, except the colour of your lingerie isn't as certain as when a black bra shows through your blouse:

Imagine yourself wearing a sexy ensemble of satin, nylon and lace, and see how your answers correspond to the words being used to ask about each garment. Je porte mon soutien-gorge noir, ma culotte noire, mes bas noirs et mes jarretières noires, Madame. Whether there's an “e” or an “s” is the same, but be careful that your quel(le)(s) agrees with the right noun:

When a noun is only implied, you should use one of lequel, laquelle, lesquels or lesquelles for “which”. Consider the following conversation:

Whereas the various forms of quel affect another word, que, quoi and qui replace a noun completely. Which you use not only depends on whether you are asking about a person (“who”) or a thing (“what”), but also the role that “who” or “what” plays in the sentence. If you understand the difference between “who” and “whom” in English, this latter concept should pose no problem, save that in French, it is “what” rather than “who” that has two forms. Let's start with the simpler of the two, qui (“who” or “whom”):

For the most part, this should be very straightforward. Regardless of whether English calls for “who” or “whom”, you simply use qui, no matter whether it is the subject or the object of the sentence. The only complication occurs when the question is posed using est-ce (“is it”), where a second qui rather than que is required when the “who” is the subject - indeed, in this case, Qui est-ce qui is the only way to ask such a question. Being a maid, it is Fifi who wears an apron, and so Fifi who is the subject of the question asking about such - qui is therefore used. Conversely, the visitors who will soon see him in his full-length, frilly pinafore are objects for the purposes of grammar, not that his mistress's guests would care to be described as such, que being required to ask about them as the same, anxious maid nervously looks out of the window.

Now let's consider que and quoi (“what”):

Imagine a situation where a humiliated man finds himself barraged by such questions, albeit unable to answer because of what he must hold in his mouth as he writes line after line, suffering the most uncomfortable of outfits while sitting on a very disagreeable chair! In all case, the “what” is the object of the sentence, it being the misbehaving maid who is subject to his mistress's various impositions, but quoi must be used rather than que when it follows a preposition (sur, avec) or a form of a verb (suces).

In the less common case of the “what” being the subject of the sentence, it is necessary to use Qu'est-ce, but followed with qui. For example:

exercices pour la quarante-troisième leçon - exercises for the forty third lesson

Translate the following:

1. Pourquoi les femmelettes qui portent des bas doivent-elles se raser les jambes ?

2. Combien de culottes un homme soumis a-t-il besoin s'il en porte une propre chaque jour ?

3. Où mets-tu ton tablier quand tu ne le portes pas ?

4. De quelle couleur est ta gaine, et est-elle assortie à ton soutien-gorge ?

5. Quand est-ce qu'un homme qui se comporte mal devrait-il être puni pour ses erreurs ?

Say the following in French (use inversion for vous, and est-ce que for je):

1. Which brush should I use to clean your shoes, Ma'am?

2. How many pairs of stockings do you want me to buy, Ma'am?

3. When might you unlock my chastity belt, Ma'am?

4. Why am I being punished, Ma'am?

5. What should I wear for tonight's party, Ma'am?

leçon 44: à qui est cette lingerie ? - whose is that lingerie?

The sun in shining and there's a slight breeze - the perfect weather for drying washing. No sooner has Fifi finished pegging the last of the laundry to the line, however, than he finds himself accosted by an amused voice from over the hedge - that of the neighbour whose curiosity has got the better of her! It's one thing to watch a man hanging out the sheets, but quite another to see him doing the same with panties and bras - especially when the lacy lingerie in question is much too big to belong to the lady of the house! Let's suppose the neighbour knows Fifi is only allowed to speak French, and listen in to the conversation that follows about the feminized maid's frillies:

What a mouthful! Will a flushing Fifi even be able to get the end of such a sentence when he knows the underwired cups, reinforced gusset and lacy welts are being scrutinised with amusement as they flutter about in the wind? Although there's nothing grammatically wrong with him using possessive adjectives to acknowledge ownership of such emasculating attire, it's far from the only way to do so. He could, for instance, take a lead from his neighbour's question and use à:

Unfortunately for Fifi, this comes across as rather possessive - as though he is proud of the lacy cups that his neighbour is looking at with such amusement, or perhaps scared that she'll take them away. If only he could escape his brassières so easily! Let us forgive his poor choice of words for the moment, however, and consider the underlying grammar. You may recognise moi as being the French for “me” even without knowing that it is a stressed pronoun, one of a set of words that can add emphasis as well as replacing a noun. Before we consider how else they can be used, let's have a look at the others - some of which can be employed in other ways as well:

Note that there's no “its” - these only apply to people. Nor can they be used willy-nilly, in the same way you wouldn't start an English sentence with “me”. In French, however, it's possible to use a stressed pronoun in place of a second subject, such that “my mistress and I” becomes ma maîtresse et moi (literally “my mistress and me”). Your mistress might also use a stressed pronoun to emphasise the subject of a sentence, whether in addition to a regular subject pronoun (Moi, je pense que tous les hommes devraient tout le temps porter des ceintures de chasteté), or following C'est (C'est toi qui porte des jupons, pas moi !), but as a maid you would be well-advised not to adopt such assertive language yourself! Instead, restrict the use of these pronouns to after prepositions, conjunctions or comparisons:

You can also add -même(s) to a stressed pronoun, just as you might -self in English.

Let's return to Fifi's lingerie, still blowing about in the breeze. Another, more descriptive, way he can tell his neighbour that the big black bra and matching man-sized panties are his is with possessive pronouns, not that there can be much doubt when the wind is whipping up his skirt and petticoats to reveal still more inky satin.

Unlike the pronouns we have seen previously, these need to agree with the noun that they're replacing (not the subject!):

That means that Fifi will need to choose his words carefully if the neighbour cares to challenge him about what else is hanging from the line. Consider how his answers change to reflect what he's being asked in the following conversation:

Because possessive pronouns are pronouns, they can take the place of nouns:

exercices pour la quarante-quatrième leçon - exercises for the forty fourth lesson

Translate the following:

1. Cette petite culotte rose est à moi, mais cette grande gaine-culotte noire est la tienne

2. Avant sa punition, le secrétaire a enlevé lui-même sa jupe

3. Quand tu auras fini de repasser mes chemisiers, tu pourras commencer à repasser les tiens

4. Tes seins sont plus gros que les siens ! As-tu choisi leur taille toi-même ?

5. Mon mari a acheté toutes ses culottes lui-même. Il ne porte jamais les miennes !

Say the following in French:

1. Submissive men should learn to fasten their bras themselves

2. Me, I like to wear my own bra when I wash hers

3. The saleswoman saw my wife and I while we were looking at the scarves

4. Yes, Ma'am, the corselettes and the panty girdles are mine too

5. He cannot lace his corset himself, but his mistress makes him try

leçon 45: il est nécessaire - it is necessary

By now, you should be proficient at using the indicative mood to express facts, be able to use the conditional mood to describe less certain situations or to ask polite questions, and understand commands given to you in the imperative mood. There is, however, a fourth mood that you'll need to know if you're to speak French fluently, le subjonctif (“the subjunctive”) - a mood that's required in dependent clauses to express subjective or uncertain statements, for instance, those that express doubt or desire. In English, the subjunctive has become almost vestigial, with the distinction between “I insist that he wear a bra” and “I insist that he wears a bra” likely to be lost on most listeners. In the former, the insistence of the speaker is all that's certain, the subjunctive occurring perhaps a part of a discussion about what a yet to be hired secretary might wear when he starts work. In the latter, both insistence and wearing are indicative, with the man in question having surrendered to the wishes of his superior, maybe even having signed a contract to that effect.

French makes much more use of the subjunctive, and it may take you some time to understand all its subtleties. However, just like the English example above, it requires two things - firstly, it must follow the equivalent of “that”, i.e. que or qui, and secondly, the dependent clause must have a different subject to the main one. The businesswoman insists, the secretary wears - two different subjects, of very different statuses. Moreover, the first subject is wanting something - one of several subjective states where the subjunctive is required. If the businessman knew or thought, rather than insisted, then the subjunctive wouldn't be required, but if she doubted or even appreciated that her underling was appropriately dressed, then it would - a complicated distinction that you'll only learn through studying examples.

Let's consider the difference that the subjunctive makes in French, picturing a scenario where a woman has caught her husband sitting around with his feet up:

You should recognise fais in the first sentence, but that's not the form of faire used in the second one. Not only are there two subjects (wife and husband), but the former is demanding that the latter attend to the chores, satisfying the two conditions for the subjunctive. Showing her fluency in French, the woman thus uses fasses, the informal, second-person form of faire in the present tense, and her husband dutifully does as he is told - albeit not before apologising! Later, he might find himself being asked As-tu fait le ménage comme je te l'ai dit ?, and woe betide him if he cannot say that he has!

For the moment, let's focus on how to construct the subjunctive. With that in mind, we'll be using a set expression that requires this mood - il est nécessaire que (“it is necessary that”). Whether you're a maid, a secretary or merely a sissy, there are all manner of things that are necessary for you, but mistresses and bosses are sadly subject to their own obligations too. From the need for you to do as you're told to your superior having to take action if you don't, all have a second subject that is different to the impersonal il (“it”) in il est nécessaire que, as can be seen in the following examples:

Did you notice the differences? In some cases, the subjunctive is similar, if not identical to the indicative - portent is unchanged, whereas attende has acquired an extra “e” at the end. With others, there's a more significant change - in the case of punir, that's also the ending, whereas the irregular savoir uses a completely different stem (sach- instead of sa-). It shouldn't surprise you to learn that avoir and être have particularly irregular subjunctive forms, but fortunately most verbs are much easier.

Let's start with regular -er and -re verbs. Both groups use the same stem as that used for the indicative present tense (formed by removing the -er and the -re respectively), to which a set of endings very similar to those you already know for -er verbs is added (for both groups). For je, il or elle that's -e; for tu, it's -es; for nous, it's -ions (which has an extra “i” compared to the indicative); for vous, it's -iez (again, having an extra “i”); and for ils or elles, it's -ent. For example, with our old friend porter:

Some of those sentences are likely to be true, but others are not. Assert your own need to surrender to whatever your mistress wants you to wear, welcoming the fact that the subjunctive only differs as far as the nous and vous forms are concerned, but acknowledge that woman may choose not to wear bras. There's no necessity for them to do so, unlike sissies like yourself, who really are better off brassièred!

Now let's see how the subjunctive works with an -re verb, attendre:

That might not seem quite as familiar, but it's still straightforward to memorise, even if some of the subjects might choose to push in line. You do know better than to quibble when a woman wishes to go first, don't you? Hold the door for her, and accept her superiority - especially if you're wearing an apron and dress, it not being a maid's place to make either his mistress or her guests wait!

For regular -ir verbs, the subjunctive again uses the same stem as the indicative present tense (that is, you remove the -ir), but the endings are slightly more complicated. For je, il or elle, you must add -isse; for tu, -isses; for nous, -issions; for vous, -issiez; and for ils or elles, -issent. For instance, with choisir:

Are you going to make the right choice and please your mistress with how you've mastered the subjunctive? Or will you disappoint her by not taking the time to learn these endings by heart? It's your choice to make, but like any other choice, it will have consequences, so if you don't want to be punished, you must practise until constructing the subjunctive comes as second nature!

Here are some more examples to help you get the hang of things:

exercices pour la quarante-cinquième leçon - exercises for the forty fifth lesson

Translate the following:

1. Il est nécessaire qu'un secrétaire réponde au téléphone immédiatement

2. Il est nécessaire qu'il porte un porte-jarretelles pour maintenir ses bas en place

3. Il est nécessaire que je polisse les couteaux, les fourchettes et les cuillères

4. Il est nécessaire qu'elles enferment leur mari dans des ceintures de chasteté

5. Il est nécessaire que les bonnes portent toujours des tabliers, des collier et des coiffes

Say the following in French:

1. It is necessary that I pad my bra if I want to have breasts

2. It is necessary that I ask for my mistress's permission

3. It is necessary that my boss warn me, then punish me when I make a mistake

4. Is it necessary that your friends watch me, Ma'am?

5. It is necessary that I bleach the dishcloth after having cleaned the sink

leçon 46: il me faut obéir à ses ordres - I must obey her orders

It's not difficult to see that a sentence that starts Il est nécessaire is discussing something that's necessary - indeed, you could probably understand Il est nécessaire qu'un secrétaire réponde au téléphone immédiatement without knowing a word of French! You're unlikely to impress your boss with such a statement, however, any woman you might have the privilege of working for surely taking such a basic skill for granted! There are other ways to accept your responsibilities, however - you already know how to use devoir, such that you might say Un secrétaire doit répondre au téléphone immédiatement. Might you find yourself having to type that a thousand times after letting the phone ring once too often? Your superior might decide such a punishment is necessary, but she needn't use devoir either - not when there's another, special verb that stresses what has to be the case in order for her to be happy.

Like pleuvoir, falloir (“to be necessary”) only has one conjugation per tense, such that you'll never see it preceded by anything other than the third-person singular, il. Il faut means “It is necessary”, and can be used in exactly the same way you learned in the previous lesson, followed by que and a clause in the subjunctive. For instance, a slacking secretary might find his punishment lines rephrased as follows:

This may also be translated as “A secretary needs to answer the phone immediately”, with the essential meaning remaining the same. How many rings does it take you to drop what you're doing and discover whether whoever is calling warrants disturbing your boss? It might only be a wrong number, but you won't know until you answer. Let's interrupt this lesson for a moment to listen in on Fifi doing just that:

What were you doing again? Don't let an unexpected phone call distract you from your duties for a second longer than is absolutely necessary, but return to learning about falloir. This verb may also be followed by a verb in the infinitive:

Again, we might translate this more concisely as “The phone must be answered immediately”. Who should pick up the receiver on the first ring? It's not necessary to spell out that that's your responsibility as a secretary, but for emphasis, an indirect object pronoun can be added between il and faut:

Rather than a verb or a clause in the subjunctive, a noun may be used instead;

Despite only having one conjugation per tense, falloir has the same range of tenses as any other verb, such that you can also speak of past, future and even conditional necessities:

It may also be inverted, as may be seen in the following conversation:

There are many ways that a sentence using falloir can be translated. Rather than trying to do so word for word, try to understand the meaning that is being conveyed. Consider how falloir implies a necessity in each of the following examples, noting how pleasingly formal it makes these statements of submission:

il vaut mieux que je sois une bonne - it is better that I am a maid

As well as Il est nécessaire que and Il faut que, there are a host of other phrases that work in a similar way. Some are so obvious that they barely need translating, such as Il est essentiel que (“It is essential that”), Il est impératif que (“It is imperative that”) and Il est important que (“It is important that”), whereas others require additional vocabulary. Whether what you're speaking about requires Il est capital que (“It is crucial that”) or merely Il vaut mieux que (“It is better that”, vaut being a conjugation of the irregular verb valoir, “to be worth”), all require the subjunctive, not only ending in que, but expressing your mistress's will.

In the previous lesson, you learned how to form the subjunctive for the three main groups of regular verbs, such that the appropriate endings should come to your lips automatically when needing to speak of wearing, choosing or waiting. But what if you want to say that it is better that your mistress is in charge? To acknowledge her authority is straightforward, with a humble Vous êtes ma maîtresse, Madame sure to prove pleasing to her ears, but how might you go about expressing how much you prefer to serve rather than lead? To do that, you'll need to put être in the subjunctive, and once again, this verb is irregular. Study the following examples carefully and memorise the conjugations:

Whenever we have considered être in previous lessons, avoir hasn't been far away, and the subjunctive is no different. Let's consider some things that are natural to have, using another expression that requires the subjunctive:

You haven't forgotten that avoir is used in many French idioms, as well as expressing possession, have you? It's not enough just to learn the vocabulary for a lesson, only to forget it again! For your French to be useful, you must use it regularly, repeating the words over and over until they're as familiar as their English equivalents. With the subjunctive conjugations of être and avoir, there's an additional reason for doing so - as well as being verbs in their own right, they're also used as auxiliaries for another tense of the subjunctive - the past subjunctive, or le passé du subjonctif.

So far, all the examples we have considered have been in the present tense, but like the indicative and the conditional, the subjunctive doesn't stop there. It's just as natural for Fifi to have been afraid of his mistress's hairbrush as it will be for him to tremble when she next has need to wield it, the pain it can impart no less a source of fear for being in the future as the past. If he were merely admitting his anxiety, he might use le présent, le passé composé or le futur simple accordingly, as in the following examples:

It would, of course, be more appropriate for Fifi to use l'imparfait to express his fear of Madame's hairbrush, an effective punishment requiring that a maid is more continuously afraid than le passé composé suggests, but let us forgive him this poor choice of tenses to illustrate a different grammatical point. In the first of Fifi's confessions, we see ai being used as a present tense form of avoir, whereas in the second, it is an auxiliary, followed by eu, the past participle of avoir. The same pattern works with the subjunctive, only the subjunctive form, aies is used instead:

Why might Fifi have been especially afraid of his mistress's hairbrush on a particular occasion? Perhaps Madame was brandishing a new, even bigger means of making him cry, its unforgiving wood yet to be broken in! Although the subjunctive mood has imperfect and pluperfect tenses, you will not encounter these in the course of everyday conversation - unless you fancy yourself as a poet, rather than a maid! Moreover, there is no future subjunctive, such that Fifi would need to find other ways of expressing how afraid he'll be when he next sees that horribly hard hairbrush in his mistress's hand. However, it is perfectly acceptable to use the present tense subjunctive in such cases, for instance:

Do you still have so much fear of this strange mood, or is it starting to make more sense now? By breaking things down into easily understood pieces, and practising them until you have them down pat, you'll soon get the hang of things - so start memorising those conjugations now!

Let's finish this lesson with some further examples for you to study:

exercices pour la quarante-sixième leçon - exercises for the forty sixth lesson

Translate the following:

1. Il faut que je continue à sucer jusqu'à ce que ma maîtresse me dise d'arrêter

2. Il fallait qu'il finisse ses corvées avant d'aller au lit

3. Il est capital qu'une bonne n'agace pas sa maîtresse

4. Il vaut mieux qu'un homme ait honte quand il s'est mal comporté

5. Il est impératif que les femmelettes soient habitués à porter des bas

Say the following in French (use il faut where appropriate):

1. Sissies must always wear panties

2. I need your permission, Ma'am, I cannot unlock it myself

3. It is better that I am punished for my mistakes

4. Must I wear a black bra with this white shirt, Ma'am?

5. It is natural that I am scared when my wife's friends visit her

leçon 47: ce qu'elle préfère - what she prefers

The subjunctive isn't just called for when speaking about necessities, as many and varied as the obligations of a maid are. If you were paying attention in the previous lesson, you'll have noticed how il est possible que (“it is possible that”) was used in an example - one of many other expressions that require the subjunctive. It's impossible to list all of them here (although il est impossible que is another), but it is possible to describe several distinct groups. In each case, there's a dependent clause introduced by que or qui, which involves a different subject, for example:

In the above sentence, there's an impersonal il and a tu, separated by a que, such that the past tense of finir is put into le passé du subjonctif. You'll find that this becomes a very familiar pattern as you study more examples, with the presence of que or qui giving you pause for thought. You do think about what you're saying, rather than letting your mouth get you into mischief, don't you? Be sure that your tongue pleases your mistress by considering every word in advance, ensuring each is correctly conjugated if you don't want to find yourself with a humiliating gag between your lips!

When it comes to what you must do as a maid, there's little difference between a statement of necessity and an instruction from your mistress, both requiring you to not only show your submission, but also to consider whether to use the subjunctive. Whether the woman you serve insists upon something or merely expresses a preference, the chances are that you'll need to use the subjunctive when speaking of her desires. What do all of the following have in common?

They all end in que (“that”), and all imply two subjects, be that wife and husband, mistress and maid, or boss and secretary, such that the subjunctive is required. Consider some examples in which sissies submit as they should, being sure to pay particular attention to the verbs, and where and how they differ:

There are, however, occasions when your mistress's commands shouldn't compel you to action, but rather the reverse! Put yourself in the place of this maid:

No lipstick or eyeshadow for this sissy, but perhaps a blush to his cheeks as he confesses being allowed to the luxury of feminine frills! Both perdre (“to lose”, here used in the idiom perdre du temps, “to waste time”) and porter need to be in the subjunctive if he's not to find himself corrected by his mistress's friend, albeit with only one of the verbs actually changing. Add interdire and permettre to your list of verbs where you need to think when there's a que and two subjects!

ton soutif, son choix - your bra, her choice

Hearing you speak of your submission can be very satisfying for your superior when you acknowledge her authority in the process, not to mention amusing for anyone she might have you confess your secret to. Ta femme insiste pour que tu portes un soutien-gorge tout le temps ? Oh là là ! There are countless ways in which you can admit that you're a sissy who must do as you're told, but that's not the only use of the verbs you have just learned - many of them can be used in questions as well, albeit requiring appropriate care to remain respectful.

Picture a pile of pretty bras, sitting in your lingerie drawer, just waiting to hold you helpless in their feminine embrace. There are so many cups and straps that you might not know what to do when it comes to dressing for the day, spoiled for choice by all the satin and lace. Should you surrender to a girly pastel pink, or would powder blue be better for putting you in your place? Even if you can only choose between basic black and white, it's critical that you pick something that will please your mistress, her preferences far more important than yours. How might you ask her for her thoughts on the matter?

That's a start, but you can surely do better, not only accepting that you have to wear such a womanly garment, but like everything you do, you do so for her:

Mistresses are, of course, permitted to “want” in a way that maids must never, but it's always better to be more respectful. You wouldn't want to come across as unappreciative, let alone resentful, of the lovely lingerie she allows you to wear while serving her, so make an effort to use the conditional mood:

In both cases, the subjunctive is required, although as before, porter makes things easier. Suppose, however, that you found yourself in a lingerie shop, having to ask your mistress which bra she would like you to choose. You don't want to find yourself being corrected in front of all the other shoppers, it being imperative that you conjugate choisir appropriately:

Returning to your daily dressing, you might consider using other, softer verbs to enquire about your mistress's wishes, again using the conditional mood:

In English, you might ask whether something pleases your mistress - in this case, the wearing of the bra that she's hopefully about to choose for you. When using plaisir (“to please”) in this way, however, that something becomes the subject of the question, with your mistress becoming the object that's pleased - not a grammatical detail to draw to her attention as you politely ask:

Do you understand what vous plairait-il means? It's the inverted form of il vous plairait, “it would please you”, i.e. “would it please you?”. The rest of the sentence is almost incidental, save for the danger of not asking. You wouldn't want to be caught wearing something that you shouldn't, or worse, not wearing what you should! Does that mean a bra? Even if it doesn't, there are plenty of other questions that a maid can profitably ask the same way:

exercices pour la quarante-septième leçon - exercises for the forty seventh lesson

Translate the following:

1. Ma patronne a ordonné que je fasse du café et que je prenne les notes

2. Comment aimeriez-vous que ma bonne soit punie pour son manque de respect ?

3. Préféreriez-vous lui donner une fessée vous-même ? Ça ne me dérange pas de regarder cette fois !

4. La femme d'affaires a donné l'ordre que le secrétaire se penche sur le bureau

5. Je préfère que mon mari ait peur de des talons aiguilles, donc je lui en fais porter comme punition

Say the following in French:

1. My wife desires that the house is always clean

2. The man wishes that his chastity belt had more keys

3. Would it please you if I vacuumed before the arrival of your friends, Ma'am?

4. What colour French maid's outfit would you prefer me to wear today, Ma'am?

5. Your friends suggested that I kiss their shoes to apologise, Ma'am

leçon 48: comment te sens-tu ? - how do you feel?

How does it feel to have to get down on your hands and knees to scrub a floor, bringing your face only inches away from where your mistress's feet have been? Is it humiliating to have to humble yourself with bucket and brush, or does it make you happy to serve your superior in the most menial of ways? What about crouching down for another pair of panties that must be pegged to the line, feeling the wind whip up your petticoats even as the sound of voices comes from uncomfortably close by? Are you scared that someone might see your unmanly underwear, or are you more concerned about the disagreeable bra that accosts your body as you battle the breeze? Perhaps when you return inside, your mistress's guests will want to know whether you enjoy wearing such a garment, their amusement the same whether you declare you love or loathe its tight grip. Imagine being asked the following:

Recalling aimer que (“to like that”) from the list in the previous lesson, you might find yourself frantically searching for the subjunctive conjugation of devoir, perhaps consulting a reference book before coming out with:

Such a shameful statement will make your mistress's guests laugh in more ways than one, however, there being no call for the subjunctive in this case. That's because the subject of both clauses is the same - you're not only the one who must wear something so unmanly, but you're the one liking it as well! Rather than having to worry about the subjunctive form of an irregular verb, you could simply have used its infinitive, as you learned in a much earlier lesson:

Of course, if your mistress's guests enquire about her opinion, but she merely looks to you to answer on her behalf, then you have no choice in the matter:

In addition to aimer and adorer, you might express feelings and emotions with any of the following, all of which may require the subjunctive:

Let's consider some situations where there are two subjects, albeit perhaps having very different feelings, such that the subjunctive is necessary:

Did you notice the ne without a corresponding pas in a couple of those examples? That's not a negative, although the speaker surely wishes it were as he contemplates his fears. Instead, it's what is known as le ne explétif, an addition that stresses the negative nature of certain verbs such as craindre and redouter. What do you fear? What do you dread? Although you can omit it entirely, you can show your mistress that you take her threats seriously by including this optional word between the second subject and its verb, albeit only for those verbs for which its use is appropriate. In any case, it's important that you don't try to interpret it as a literal negative - while some sissies might fantasise about coming home to a woman with a hairbrush in her hand, or else suffering a stare that seems to see right through their shirt, these are not situations that you should court by confusing your ne with your ne!

You already know how to use avoir to say that you are afraid (avoir peur) or ashamed (avoir honte), and être to express your regrets (être désolé(e) - “to be sorry”). You can also use être to express other emotions or feelings, from heureux (or heureuse in the feminine) and content(e) for happiness to malheureux (or malheureuse) and triste for sadness. Have you ever hoped that your mistress might be surprised (être surpris(e)) or even amazed (être étonné(e)) by your efforts? How much better that would be than her being annoyed (être agacé(e)), angry (être fâché(e)) or heaven forbid, furious (être furieux, but être furieuse in the feminine)! No matter what her state of mind, however, if your sentence involves que, then you'll require the subjunctive when describing what you've done to cause it.

The subjunctive is also required when using il est ... que (“it is ... that”) to express an opinion - something that you should reserve for agreeing with your mistress. It is more likely that you will hear, rather than say, most of the following phrases, but it's just as critical that you consider the mood!

In the above examples, you'll notice a number of unfamiliar conjugations. Like devoir, the verbs vouloir, pouvoir and faire are all irregular in the subjunctive, although the sound of their forms may give you some indication as to their meaning. If you don't want to have to hazard a guess, however, there's no option but to memorise those you're likely to encounter most. Make a start by learning the ones that have been used here, so you can understand your mistress when she expresses her opinions - the only opinions that matter to a maid!

il semble qu'il n'ait pas fini - it seems that he hasn't finished

How confident can a man be when he's dressed as a maid? You really can't assert yourself very much when you're wearing the apron and dress of a humble servant, no matter whether your uniform is fancy and frilly or merely dull and drab. Even so, it may amuse your mistress to have you sound even weaker, eschewing the use of direct declarations in favour of softening what you say with clauses such as il semble que (“it seems that”), il se peut que (“it may be that”) and il est douteux que (“it is doubtful that”). Whether you're reduced to “supposing” (supposer, -er) or “hoping” (espérer, -é_er), it's natural to wonder whether the subjunctive is needed when expressing yourself in such a feeble manner. Unfortunately, the answer is that “it depends”.

With il semble que, the subjunctive is required if you're making a guess about a situation, but not if you're saying something you know to be true. It is also needed when sembler is used in the negative, and also when asking a question. Conversely, il est douteux que requires the subjunctive except when it is used in the negative, something that makes more sense when you consider how you would express more of a certainty with “there is no doubt that”. Thinking about its strength should tell you that il se peut que requires the subjunctive, it hardly being likely that your mistress will take you blindly at your word if you merely suggest that something may be the case. Imagine having to follow her, clutching your apron, while she goes to check for herself, desperately hoping that she'll find everything to her satisfaction! At least espérer doesn't need the subjunctive when used affirmatively, but unlike in English, it is usually followed by the future tense - yet another complication that you've no choice but to memorise. As for supposer, whether or not the subjunctive is required depends on whether you're making an assumption or a hypothesis, but both are beyond the purview of a maid. Don't take too long to decide about the right mood, however, unless you want to appear even more uncertain about what you're saying!

exercices pour la quarante-huit leçon - exercises for the forty eighth lesson

Translate the following:

1. Elle est étonnée que le secrétaire soit vraiment un homme, même s'il n'est qu'une femmelette

2. Il est dommage que tous ces chemisiers aient encore besoin de repassage, sinon tu aurais fini

3. Les hommes craignent que leur femme leur fasse acheter leurs propres culottes

4. Il n'est surprenant que ta maîtresse t'ait donné une fessée, parce que tu étais si mauvais !

5. Il a honte que les femmes l'aient vu se déshabiller, elles ont été surprises qu'il porte des sous-vêtements en dentelle

Say the following in French:

1. I am happy that my mistress chooses my punishments, but I dread her hairbrush

2. I'm afraid that she will make me wear a hobble skirt if I disappoint her again

3. I hate that my chastity cage is so small and tight, but I can never remove it!

4. It is right that she is the boss, because I am a submissive man

5. I am sorry that you are angry, Ma'am. I appreciate that you are the boss!

leçon 49: tu auras tout fini avant qu'elle ne vérifie ? - will you have finished everything before she checks?

You know how to combine the past participle of a verb with the present tense of either avoir or être to speak of completed actions with le passé composé - for example, j'ai nettoyé la salle de bain. Suppose, however, that you have not yet scrubbed the toilet and bathtub. It's inevitable that you will, even if you initially baulk at the idea of bending over with a brush - you don't expect your mistress to demean herself with something so menial, do you? Not only might she insist that you scrub everything to her satisfaction, she might even go so far as to set a time for you to have done so before you start. “You will have cleaned the bathroom when I come to check in an hour, or there will be consequences!”, she might say, promising an unpleasant punishment to persuade you. You'd better getting scrubbing, no matter how humbling that might be!

In French, we can describe actions that will be completed in the future using le futur antérieur (“the future perfect”), which combines a past participle with the future tense of either avoir or être in a similar way:

Tu auras nettoyé works the same way as “you will have cleaned” in English - auras corresponds to “will have”, whereas nettoyé means “cleaned”. In the above example, however, the French equivalent of “come to check” is also in the future tense - je viendrai vérifier. That's because at the moment your mistress is speaking, there has been no cleaning of the bathroom, no coming to check, and no consequences, even though two of those are guaranteed. Will the toilet's porcelain be polished to perfection, or will you be pulling down your panties for a painful punishment, perhaps having to put your head in the bowl as the woman you serve shows you the error of your ways? Let's consider some other examples:

With verbs that use être as an auxiliary, the past participle must agree with the subject, just like le passé composé. For reflexive verbs, the reflexive pronoun is placed before the auxiliary. An evening where mistress has guests offers an ideal opportunity to illustrate this, even if their presence doesn't make a maid's other duties less pressing:

In each case, there are two things that will happen, with the one that will occur first using le futur antérieur, the other using le futur simple. The maid will have dressed, then his mistress's guests will arrive. Those guests will then have left, perhaps after having been entertained by a man waiting upon them in an apron and dress, then the maid will finish his chores - even if that means working late into the night! Rather than using quand (“when”), it is also possible to use avant (“before”, which requires the subjunctive when used as avant que), à (“at”) or d'ici (“by”) followed by a time - this evening, tomorrow, next week, or whenever.

You might use the future perfect to ask about your mistress's plans, or find yourself on the receiving end of such questions. Either way, it's important to understand this tense when it is inverted, which puts the auxiliary prior to the subject pronoun (but not any reflexive pronoun), just as would be the case when inverting le passé composé:

Negation also behaves like the le passé composé:

Suppose, however, the two events occur the other way around - that is, you wish to say what you will do after you have done something else. Whereas in English, you might say “When I have cleaned the bathroom, I will clean the kitchen”, and your mistress might add “When you have finished your chores, you may go to bed”, in French, it is necessary to use the future perfect after quand (“when”) in both cases:

That's also the case for lorsque (which also means “when”), après que (“after”), aussitôt que (“as soon as”) and une fois que (“once”), so long as they're describing actions that will have been completed. None of these require the subjunctive, but the other clause nevertheless needs to be in the future tense:

When used without another action or indication of time, le futur antérieur can be used to make suppositions about the past, however cruel those may be:

Of course, the past tense of devoir could also take the place of “must have” to describe such situations, not that you should ever find yourself making excuses as a maid. Forgetting things, whether accidentally or on purpose, is solely the preserve of a mistress, with men who wear aprons and dresses needing to remember everything rather than make guesses about the past!

jusqu'à ce que tu comprennes - until you understand

By now, you should be familiar with a variety of conjunctions, even if you don't know them by that name, automatically using the likes of et (“and”) and mais (“but”) to join two sentences together. Indeed, in the previous examples, you saw how the order of events could be expressed using avant que (“before”) and après que (“after”). Many conjunctions that end in que require the subjunctive, especially those that add conditions, provide reasons for actions, or discuss possibilities. Considering this, you may instinctively understand why avant que requires the subjunctive, but après que does not. Other conjunctions where the subjunctive is necessary include:

Using those in situations you might find yourself in as a submissive man:

Note how the ne explétif occurs in the example using de peur que, between the subject and the verb of the bra-wearing man's fears - the waitress and the seeing of those shameful straps that will show so obviously through his shirt. Although we haven't done so above, it is also possible to include an extra ne when using à moins que and avant que as well, adding a formality that's sure to be appreciated by your mistress. À moins que tu n'impressionnes ta maîtresse, elle ne te récompensera pas - n'est-ce pas ? (“Unless you impress your mistress, she will not reward you”, using impressionner, -er).

As you learned in the previous section, not all conjunctions that end in que require the subjunctive. Over the course of this book, you've seen several others - ainsi que, which can mean “just as” as well as “as well as”, pendant que (“while”) and parce que (“because”). You should also be able to understand depuis que (“since”), en même temps que (“at the same time as”) and plutôt que (“rather than”) when followed by clauses. Let's consider such conjunctions in a cautionary tale of a man caught out:

How much better to have a relationship built on trust rather than doubt! Thank your wife, mistress or boss for making sure you can never stray, telling her how helplessly you're in her thrall! You belong solely to her, and you'll always strive to make her happy, no matter what she might ask of you!

exercices pour la quarante-neuvième leçon - exercises for the forty ninth lesson

Translate the following:

1. Tu auras frotté la baignoire avant que j'aie besoin de l'utiliser

2. La bonne aura fini ses corvées et attendra quand sa maîtresse rentrera

3. À moins que sa femme ne déverrouille sa ceinture de chasteté, il ne peut pas se masturber

4. Bien que portant une jupe entravée et des talons aiguilles, le secrétaire doit prendre les escaliers

5. Bientôt, tu auras oublié que tu le portes

Say the following in French:

1. No, Ma'am, I won't have loosened my corset when you check later

2. After you have spanked me, Ma'am, I will submissively stand in the corner

3. A maid must clean lounges and bedrooms, as well as kitchens and bathrooms.

4. Until he finishes the work for his boss, the secretary must stay at the office

5. I am sorry, Ma'am, I must have dirtied my apron while peeling the vegetables (use le futur antérieur and le participe présent)